I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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