I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
