Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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