Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
