I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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