my phone needs a breathalizer
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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