It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
