she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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