just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
