Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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