Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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