hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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