When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize