my phone needs a breathalizer
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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