He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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