i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize