I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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