i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
