Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
