nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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