He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
