Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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