I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize