My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
