his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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