so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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