so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
