what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
