YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
