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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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