i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
