Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize