How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
