Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
