someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
