Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
