she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
