i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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