you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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