can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
