I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize