My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
