I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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