Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
