OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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