Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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