Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
