Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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