I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
nutella sex= disaster
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
