my mouth tastes like poor choices
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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