I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
