Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
