Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
