how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
