Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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