party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
as a side note pls kill me
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
