I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
