don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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