i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
