It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
