I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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