all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
