My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
