i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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