Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
