Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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