alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
