I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
