My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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