Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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