I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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