I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize